Dissolve..

I have no idea who I am anymore.

Things I thought I liked, disliked, or thought were 'me', are now all mixed up. Reversed, gone, different.

The opinions I had are challenged... the honest answer "I don't know", becoming more and more regular. Because I really don't know. Even things I said or did two weeks ago I now know are not aligned with the current, right now me. So I've no idea what ideas or opinions of mine will shatter, blur and disappear, even days from now. I've nothing to hold on to. My hands are empty. Yet my heart is clear, loud and resolute. More than ever before.

This practice has sped up change within myself so quickly, I don't think my little human mind can grasp it on a surface level. Almost like watching a video on double speed...I've seen things morph so fast in front of me, and felt them move inside of me.

Every aspect of 'what kind of person' I thought I was is changing. In a journey of 'finding myself', I'm totally losing myself along the way. But I'm really not afraid of it either. It feels liberating, expansive, free. Letting go of any 'want' to be anybody in particular, but listening to whatever my truth at that moment is telling me. And also knowing that this could be very subject to change too.

It's all good. It's all very good. Ideas and images can be like a little box, and I'd quite like to be bigger than that box...with fully fledged permission to keep outgrowing it, over and over again. Not yet, or ever finished. Ungraspable, unboxable, unable to be labelled with anything permanent or sure. Usually, uncertainty can be coupled with insecurity...except, I don't feel like that at all this time. Who I thought I was is literally falling to pieces. But I feel open, aware, quiet, calm...secure.

I have no idea who I am anymore. But I am not lost.

X