The problem with positive thinking...

Positive thinking is one the biggest topics in self-help there is. Most people, at least at some point in their lives, experience a range of suffering seemingly caused by their own mind and painful thought patterns. We all know at least one person that always seems to be swimming in negativity and complaints, and we’ve most likely experienced bad effects from thinking critical thoughts about ourselves. It’s not surprising that the idea of permanent positivity is such an alluring subject.

The advice to ‘think positively’ can seem like a very simple way to dodge negative thoughts and reach happiness and success easily. Although, while the advice is well-meaning, it can sometimes produce enormous pressure on us to make sure that every single thought we have is ‘good’, and the ‘bad’ thoughts are instantly deleted.

We can end up really stressing out when a negative thought pops up into our head if we fear its existence. Our constant efforts to eliminate the negative can sometimes do even more harm than the thought itself – leaving us feeling on edge, anxious and quite frustrated with the thoughts that are in fact, part of the human experience.

If I may, I’d like to suggest an alternative, more authentic perspective that may really help with ‘negative’ thinking.

Throughout our life, we’ve obtained an association of what we judge as ‘good’ or ‘bad’. For example, let’s say a thought arises in the mind. To label it as a positive or a negative thought is to give it meaning. Without giving it meaning, it is simply just a thought. Rather than the nature of the thought itself, it is most likely our actual reaction to the thought that causes us so much discomfort and stress.

The good news is that this is completely normal and totally human.

It can be tempting to think that constantly maintaining positive thoughts is the key to less suffering, when really – positive and negative are two sides of the same coin. Moreover, we can’t have one without the other. When we try to sugar coat and manipulate our thoughts, we are not really being honest with ourselves.

Experiencing life means that we are to experience the whole spectrum of intensities it comes with. To try and block out some of that inevitable experience is a little bit like covering our ears and saying “you’re not there, I can’t hear you”. As much as we would like to simply transcend our struggles, we need to acknowledge their existence. Acknowledging negative emotions is not the same as indulging in them; but they do deserve and require our kindness and attention.

Positive Thinking vs Mindful Thinking

A much more authentic way to approach our thoughts is to practice becoming simply aware of them.

This way we can learn to be more at ease with what they are – just thoughts. Instead of trying to control and change our thoughts all the time, we can take a much more courageous stance of stepping back, creating space, and seeing the thoughts for what they are.

One of my favourite analogies for this is described beautifully by Andy Puddicombe. He compares watching thoughts in our minds like sitting on a park bench and watching clouds passing by. We don’t have to chase after the clouds, or cling to them – we can just watch them pass, knowing that the clear blue sky is always behind them no matter what we see.

So it becomes more about what we can do to become aware of our habitual reactions to our thoughts and emotions. This is where mindfulness and meditation can help us develop the skill of observing thought, rather than getting caught up and overwhelmed.

When we are able to watch the unavoidable activity of the mind from a neutral space, we can choose where to focus our attention. This way, our mind can become a much more useful tool; we can take what we need from it and let the rest pass by. We can experience unpleasant thoughts and emotions and just witness them, rather than grasping at them and becoming them. Contrasted with trying to always control what happens in the mind; this is a much more realistic and genuine practice.

Change is inevitable: our thoughts, experiences, emotions, bodies, the seasons, the things and people in our lives…are always changing. The only permanent thing is only our awareness and presence for it all. By loosening our grip, we can allow some agility into our minds and become okay with whatever is. When I think of this, I really visualise open palms to help me release my mental ‘hold’ on things. If we observe our thoughts without judgement, we can start to see that they come and go just like everything else, without us having to do anything. We’re not fixed; we’re not a certain ‘type’ of person. We just experience different things at different intensities sometimes.

It’s really important to recognise that there is a difference in forcing positivity and finding the positive.I’m a huge motivator of finding the good in every situation and believe that we constantly have so much to be grateful for. But by being honest with ourselves and doing this authentic work, we can be much more real – and that is what we’re here to be.

Of course, it’s not realistic to expect some of our thought patterns to change overnight. Just like any other skill, this takes time, practice and self-compassion. But know that the results are much more rewarding than just avoiding thoughts we don’t like.

Instead, we can cultivate a mind which is calmer and clearer at all times, whatever intensity life throws at us. We can experience the place beyond thought. Only then, in the light of our awareness, will real genuine happiness start to arise.

All love,

Adéle x